Friday, July 22, 2011

…and you are?!

Who am I? Lately, this has become a very difficult question for me to answer to. I am…a somebody. I definitely am a somebody, this I know for certain. I am an individual among 6 billion other individuals on this planet Earth. I am a daughter, a sister, a grandchild, a cousin, a friend. I am a stranger to someone and I might even be an enemy for someone. I am a person with a first name and a surname. I am a person with a working brain and an open mind. But what is behind all of this? That is the question, at least for me. I don’t know…

My future got a roundhouse kick with the results of my exams and it is still trying to get back on track but it is still dizzy and stands still until the twirling stops. This “standing still” becomes more and more unbearable to me with every passing day on which I don’t get certitude. The waiting made me doubt myself. Sure, the whole exam-situation is my own fault and I admit it 100%. Now, there is a voice in the back of my head, nagging me with the question “and now?”. I am sorry voice, but I don’t have the answer…yet.

I am a person split in to two, if you want so, like Thomas Mann’s Tonio Kröger. I have a passion for everything that concerns the art of writing I love it. On the other hand, I am comfortable with the idea of being a lawyer someday; best case would be a Human Rights lawyer. I was known for being ‘the writing girl’ or ‘the language girl’ but against everyone’s believe I studied law. I need to admit that I like it. I never really admitted it to myself or to someone around me. I had my pokerface of enthusiasm, which I put on every time someone asked me about my law studies. In reality, I still doubted every step I made into a law class. The studies being in French and even if you are just a poor 1st year, they somehow expect you to know certain things already, if possible by heart. It just isn’t the way I learn something. I tried to keep up with the work they gave us. I did work hard, spend several hours on writing their commentaries and dissertations and what else they had and all I ever got was a soft but definite red stroke of a red pen all over my work and maybe a sympathetic smile. I tried…I did not give my best, but I tried, that is all I can say.

The dream, of course, would be to become an author or a writer whose work is that much appreciated that it is sufficient to live on that budget. The chances that this will ever happen to someone here in my homeland are that small that a statistic wasn’t even worth making. In a country, where money is all that counts, the arts have no place. A combination of author/writer and lawyer would be the perfect match, but I need to decide which studies to do and law it is. The choice taken away from me now is painful. I am being pushed in one direction although I know that the deprived one is the right one and it causes me pain. It made me get such a low self-esteem and permanently doubt myself these last days. I am still not happy, I just gained a glimpse of hope, but until then, I still have to wait. Waiting… and quitting to question every move I make.

Saturday, February 13, 2010

Valentine's day / Single Awareness day

[picture found here ]

Tomorrow the whole world will look once again through pink eyeglasses for a single day and the flower shops will do benefit like on no other day throughout the year. Cards will be sent, chocolate will be bought… and many singles will ask themselves: 'Why me?'

Strange how one single day among 365 other ordinary days can destroy your self-confidence within a heartbeat? This one day is able to bring you from "I feel good as I am, even as a single" to "I'm the ugliest person that ever existed and nobody wants or even loves me!" How can this be? I mean, how is it possible that strong independent people (mostly women) come to such a conclusion about themselves just because it's a day dedicated to love?! Yes, you read right: Love NOT Couples! Ok, for sure there’s nothing wrong about having a sweetheart and love that person as much as possible, but why should singles feel depressed on that day?! I don’t get it…

No, no, I know what you are thinking, but I can tell you: this girl is a single since a very long time! I can remember that I felt this way when I found out that not all the boys are idiots and what love means or at least how it feels (because I'm still not sure what love really means…). Those innocent teenager years where I thought having a boyfriend is an absolute must and that without one I'll be the greatest loser! Thank God that my opinion about that changed quite quickly and into a good direction; you don't need someone by your side just to prove something to the others, or even worse, to prove something to yourself. Ok back to the main topic…

Why should spending Valentine's Day on your own pull you down and doubt your abilities and skills? Perhaps you're not the most beautiful girl or boy, but you are a wonderful person in your very own way and you should never ever forget this! Look around and what do you see? Ah! People who like to spend time with you, who love you although it might not be in the sexual way you perhaps long for, but still they do love you! They are called family and friends and you should be grateful to have them. Valentine's Day is the 'day of Love' (as mentioned before) so that's why we should tell our family and our friends that we love them and that we are glad to have them around and being able to spend time with them and if you have a boy- or girlfriend, even better! Spread the love!=)

Valentine’s Day is a day dedicated to love not to 'be in a relationship', not to 'gifts', not to 'be depressed and sad for not being in a relationship or not getting presents and/or cards'. Nor should it be the only day in a year where you really pay attention to all your beloved ones. Every day you spend time with them should be special and you should let them feel this.

Wow! So glad now I got this off my chest...=) I think by repeating this to myself I will survive every single Valentine's Day that still may come in my life.

Happy Valentine's Day!=)

<3 .ladybird

Monday, December 28, 2009

'Your Choice' or .'..and then he left.'

[picture from here ]

While in the trees high, the birds all sing
We met on a sunny day in spring.
Your gleaming eyes, so stunning and grey
Just smiling because I had nothing to say.

In the green grass, we used to slumber
The hot sun shone; it was summer.
You played the guitar until the fall of night
Being with you just felt so right.

Automn arrived; leaves change color
When I'm talking, you just mutter.
Definitely, you are just one of a kind
Strange, how could I've been so blind?

Walking trough the snow, hand in hand
Somehow I knew this would be the end.
Softly whispering, I hear your voice
'Please... This is my choice.'

The wind, it blows and I keep quiet
Instead I try to hold you tight.
You unwind and push me softly away
My eyes are begging you to stay.

You turn around and simply leave
Your departure is something I could never believe
Who knows if we ever meet again
Hopefully, I'll be over it by then.

<3 .ladybird