The Man with the Hat

I never felt like this before. I did not even think that a hat could drive me nuts and this for real now. You can’t imagine in which difficulties I found myself because of your hat. Yes, YOUR hat. The strange thing is that I can’t figure out which way I’m heading right now. I’m, somehow, confused and feel as if I’m turning in a circle and this all because of you.

I tell myself and my friends that I just want to get to know you because I think that you are so cool and amazing in your very own way. Actually that’s really true; I want to know you and be friends with you because you seem to me to be so interesting and someone with whom I can discuss and have intelligent conversations. It’s all true, but… there seems to be something else too. Why does, every time I only think I spotted you, my heart skips a beat? Why do I turn red like a tomato and suddenly feel so hot when I see a hat like yours? Or why does an old car suddenly makes me want to follow it or gets me so excited that I can’t sit still any longer? Why?

It’s a very strange feeling. I know that I’m not in love, that is for sure, but I always feel as if I have a zillion of butterflies in my tummy as soon as I see you or remember myself of you. Somehow you are exactly what I feel attracted to although you are 7 years older than me and that should, in my age definitely, be a barricade. You are a man, a real adult ‘I-can-do-whatever-I-want-to’-man and I’m not yet ready to be a woman; a girl experimenting with the fact of being an adult, a woman. You came into my life by complete coincidence or perhaps destiny; a crossroad where you drove past my car, you looked to me and I looked to you, same as my friend sitting beside me. From that very moment on I wanted to get to know you. I was fascinated and so curious that I had to find you once again and I did. And again you looked to us and we to you and in your face someone could see your brain working, trying to find out if we were the same girls you saw right now but at another crossroad.

I actually thought that you were taller and younger, but this doesn’t even matter now. 4 days in a row where I saw you passing me by, standing close to me, being far away or just sitting somewhere nearby and you took your photographs. I felt your presence with every hair on my body because I had such crazy Goosebumps that I knew you were close although I couldn’t see you. It’s weird. But at the same time such a good feeling. I don’t want to fall in love because you are so much older than me, you smoke and drink and perhaps take other stuff. Because you are as short as I am (at least it seems to me) and have long dark blonde hair and blue-grey-green eyes and 2 tattoos and 2 piercings. Because you are so good-looking and wear things other guys wouldn’t dare to wear and drive such an old stylish car nobody else drives. Because you do what you want and are a gentleman and are so charming and cute. Because you are an artist (a real good one) and see the beauty in everything and know how to skate and to beat box. No! I’m not even supposed to think about it. On top of this is that I’m for sure not what you’re looking for, I just can’t be what you want to have as girlfriend, or as fiancée or as future wife. No! You need someone who is more like you instead of someone like me who wants someone like you. You are old enough to have at least one child and a wife, so you shouldn’t bother with me, the puppy.

And still, since I first saw you my goal is it to get to know you and be friends with you. I want to know how you got to be so much into the art and if “Das Parfum” from P. Süsskind is your favorite book just because your last name is the name of the protagonist? Those and many other questions I would like to ask you and have some answers. But for now, I just need to wait till I see you again.

<3 .ladybird

Peter Pan Syndrome*

[Picture belongs to briberry.]

*Don’t think this really exists.

„Childhood is the Kingdom where nobody dies“ Edna St. Vincent Millay

I think I suffer of PPS (= Peter Pan Syndrome). What? You don’t know what that is? Well then, I guess I need to explain it to you:

My disease is the fact that (in this case) a girl or from the society considered as a young woman doesn’t want to be an adult. Well no, that’s not formulated right; it’s more that I don’t want to lose the fun parts of being a child when I’m an adult. I like to be an adult (if that’s what I am) because it has its good and its less good parts and with childhood you can find the same. It’s that I consider myself as a “not yet ready to be an adult” person. I like way too much stuff like fairytales, invent stories, try risky things and leave free way to my unlimited imagination. The fact that I can go nuts for some fictive person, love stars, butterflies and rainbows or need to put a smiley on the end of my sentences don’t make things any better. But still I am lucky because I just suffer from a light form of the Peter Pan Syndrome: I haven’t yet reached the point where I run the streets screaming ‘I do believe in fairies!’, no, basically I switch between being a child and being an adult. I’m still capable of being serious when it’s necessary and think rational about different topics. But most of the time I laugh and smile and am a bit silly here and there; I come up with sometimes very strange but funny ideas and say what’s on my mind, doesn’t matter how weird it is, without thinking it over.

I’ve always been dreaming of being the very first Lost Girl; I even left my window wide open every night, but unfortunately Peter Pan never paid me a visit, for what reason ever. Now I wait for Jasper Hale or Edward Cullen to invade my room, but till now: no sign. (Yes, do call me crazy ;))

If you knew my age (forget it! You never question a Lady about her age ;)) then you probably declare me as mentally disturbed or something like that. Hitherto I never felt appropriate to my age; I always feel younger than I actually am and the good thing about it is that I even do look sometimes (and especially in pictures) like a smiley kid. I hope it stays that way cause when I’m like 40 or so, I’ll still look like 20 or so.

Strangely I have the feeling that I’m not the only one who has PPS…xD

.ladybird <3

Letters... (part. 1)

Dear...

* What would my everyday life be without you?! With whom should I be silly even in public without getting embarrassed?! I couldn’t be without my Happy Emo! =) Thanks for listening and helping me out and being there for me. Twilight brought us even closer than we were before and now we are something like inseparable which is kind of good. With you I can walk in to a restaurant and order in English although they only understand French, start to stalk unknown people just because they perhaps might be a Cullen-family-member, laugh for hours about nonsense, take Twilight-pictures out of boredom with disguise and everything, start to sing our favorite musicals or just simply sit in a car on a parking lot and enjoy the silence until we burst in to a laugh. Thanks a bunch for being there! You are awesome! Twilight series 4ever! x) <3

* I’m so glad that Internet and ‘MySpace’ had been invented! Without those I think I would have never ever got to know such a great and simply wonderful person like you are. I love your personality and your character, the fact that you are so patient with me: for explaining an unknown world to me, making clear to me that I’m once again overreacting or simply letting me talk although I get on your nerves. For letting me see a positive in every situation that life offers us and for introducing me to new worlds of music. Thank You! Thanks for being a friend when so many others let me down. Thanks for still being reachable to me although you have a girlfriend and your time is limited. Thanks for being there when I’m in need of somebody. Whatever will be, you can count on me and be sure of my support! You are hyper-cuul and my favorite Struwwelkapp!x) <3

* Hm, although you have an obsession of spending nights in discos, clubs, cafés or on parties because everyone else does it and is considered as ‘oh so cool’, I still like you and like to spend time with you while you’re ‘back in town’. It’s great to go and do shopping with you and exchange the newest gossip. Thanks for accepting my tardiness of sometimes an hour because you know that I’m not doing it extra. I know that you aren’t the kind of person to do no matter what stuff in public because you think way too much about what the others will think of you but still it’s fun to be with you. Thanks a bunch for being my friend. <3

Your .ladybird